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amoreseriousme's journal
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it seems that my volvo decides to breakdown everytime i go on a roadtrip, i love my car but sometimes... so i'll begin at a logical place, the start. easter 2006- Hawknest; i'd just spent 2weeks at our house in hawksnest and was about to head home to good old singo before the trip back to uni in armidale, i'd spent the whole day packing(slowly) and at about 6pm i was finally finished, i said my goodbyes and i put the dogs in the car, being who they are, they werent making it easy on me, so i put my handbag down, my keys included and proceeded to tie the dogs up in the front seat, i quickly closed the door before they tried to jump out when i heard the *beep beep* of my car automatically locking itself, it took me a moment to realise the volvo had just decided to lock my dogs and my car keys inside. the next 30 mins involved my dad and me trying to break into my car using coathangers ect, we where close but volvos werent made to be easily stolen, lucky, yet unlucky for me. It was then that i made my first NRMA call out, because the dogs were inside the car, they would put me ahead of the call out cue, but still it was an hour before the guy arrived, he smiled at me in that condesending way of 'only a adolecent girl'. the gogs which had been having a nice sleep the whole time then decided to go mental at the guy. 3 minutes later the car door was open and the NRMA guy was on his way.i once again said my goodbyes and headed off home, i swore never again!!! |
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i feel so much calmer or maybe resigned now, i just got back from the shops, mindlessly wandering and some good old retail therapy helped. anyway this week(which has consisted for a total of 2 days) i played killer, which is when everyone puts their name on a knife, then they draw a name from a hat and they have 24 hrs to make the kill, but it cant be done on the persons floor, in the computer lab, during lecs or tuts, or during meal times in college only ( 7-9 am 12-130pm 530-7pm)i ended up getting the hardest person to kill ever( didnt even know who he was, lives on a floor with all his friends, which he seems to hardly leave!) ended up staking out his floor from the stairwell for 2hrs which was good cause i read the play i needed to for thea, then he found out i was ment to kill him so he disappeared, so magenta said she would help cause he had her name, but as i walked out of the puter lab magenta stabbed me, and suddenly out of nowhere the guy i was ment to kill came pelting towards us and killed her, it was very bitter sweet. the 2nd round is now on and out of the original 35 about 10 remain so the first 24 hrs was abit of a killing spree. oh and there was a firealarm at about 230 which was a crackup because those still left in the game where sure somebodies had set it off to get them out of there rooms so they stood ready to run out from the fringes of the crowd. it actually turned out that somebodys tv blew up in their room and smoked it up. anyway enough rambling for today ciao
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i feel out of control... not as in myself emotionaly... but as in the world controls and tosses me about, all of us about. death cant be controled, it isnt fair, their is no justice in it, its just simply the end, and we dont even get to choose if we want to get off yet. i sat through a memorial today, and i didnt even know the person that well, but its like every death iv experienced seems embodied by him, and i felt like i shouldnt even be there, like i was a fake, like i couldnt cry because if i did everyone would hate me for pretending... but i wasnt. i was to young to really understand the deaths of my aunt and uncle, because i didnt have an understanding of my own oppion on life after death, and if there is still thought and feeling after dieing. i hate myself for not truelly belieaving in heaven god eg, because it would be so much easyer to handle death... im not saying someone with belief wount hurt as much, but they can understand it better and feel like they have someone to turn to even when all alone .a lack of belief leaves me fearing that when i die, i wont think i wont feel i will just cease to exist on any plane of thought and that is the scaryest thing. iv been trying to believe to tell myself there is something, but it just wont stick. i just feel so exhausted, i want to pretend the world is peachy keen again, that i have control. i love my life and all those in i, because they all bring something different. you cant know how great the good in this world is, without experiencing some of the hate. be safe, and live your life, dont cruise through on auto pilot |
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